Suprising *Quirky* Joy* Freedom* Caught* Loss* Tears

The Need to be Walked With not Shamed

One step, one day, one cofession at a time... Today, I was bold, vulnrable and raw. I shared my heart's cry for brothers and sisters to hold me up in prayer. I shared that I was going through a time of trial and needed thier love, prayers and overall support.

All but one encouraged me with scripture, listened to me and prayed with me. I am so grateful for their tender merciful hearts! When I read scripture, this is what I see! The truth of the good news to me, means that my life is going to be hard at times and I will need others to walk with on this journey.

It has been very clear to me on my path that when I share from my heart, some believe that it is better to remind me that at least I don't have ----- fill in the blank with a very serious life issue. (I suddenly hear "the voice" that tells me to shup up, be quiet, stop drawing attention and put on a fake happy face! It is much better to pretend than be authentic! No one really cares about you unless yours dying so stop it! And if you were dying it would be more holy if you kept that to yourself and suffered a long time before letting anyone know about it!") I really do want to obey scripture and to me that means confessing, praying, reaching out asking for support, having compassion for others and understanding that this is not all about me, if I do "shup up and be a good little girl" truth will never shine light on the darkness of my heart!

Please pray with me as I seek to lay down my will, ie. revenge, unforgiveness, the urge to share another's sin to make myself feel better about the pain that "they caused me!" I choose to live in the grace of Christ that says that "my enemy" is also my brother and I have the opportunity to bless him rather than slander him. I pray that my heart is transformed and produces good fruit from this frustration! In Christ I pray- Amen!

Trusting

What choice do have in trusting God? A leak in our front bath tub costing five thousand dollars to repair and reconstruct, a plumbing leak in the line in our front yard that costs two thousand dollars, my car creates the aroma of burning rubber and every light on the dashboard comes on... All of this, not to mention many other personal issues...

I really don't believe that I am somehow special. When I talk with other folks in the real world I hear tragic stories of cancer, babies dying,drug addiction,broken marriages,jobs lost,dishonest buisness people and families praying for their children to make wise healthy decisions in life.

The Bible tells be that if God is for me than who can be against me... The way I see this in the very practical/spiritual, living out of day to day is this. The storms around me NEVER end. Don't get me wrong, I do have good days but in my head and my awareness, there is always a burden/storm on the horizon. So far the most healthy thing I have found is my faith in the One that thought of you and me and all of these storms before the creation of this world. My creator changes the way I experience life, the fun happy days yes but especially the ordinary painful, frustrating,heartbreaking days. They have purpose and give me meaning and add to my focus on what IS right and good in this moment! I then have some joy and hope to share with YOU! Blessing...

We Can Judge or We Can Love

Today at our community lunch, a woman handed me a piece of paper that we take prayers requests on. She shared with me that she very much felt a call to find a church home but hated the thought of being judged. As the conversation grew her warm brown eyes filled with tears. She spoke of anxious thoughts, fear, shame and the need to have acceptance...

I told her about how grateful I am that God did not wait until I got my act together before I was blessed with His full to rim love! She said that it's so hard and I totally understand that. One thing that I have worked on within myself for a number of years is truley understandeing that what "others" think of me is none of my buisness. I'm called to love... Many times my mind will believe the world around me but all the while LOVE/ my Creator is drawing me to grace and complete acceptance of others and myself in view of who we are as Gods' children.

Not one single day goes by when I am not challenged to love unconditionally. Sometimes it's a beautiful thing and other times it can be very ugly. The only reason I can forgive myself for failing is the grace and love that I have been shown.

Please pray with me, that this beautiful soul finds a community where she can really be encouraged to grow and remember who she was created to be!

Tuesday Prayers

Yesterday, I was told that a man was wanting to know if there was anyone he could speak with, he really needed to talk. I had just grabbed my purse and was ready to leave our free outreach lunch that is held every Tuesday in our church. I said, "Yes, but I always seek out another person." Preferably I ask a male if I am to speak with a male.

A male volunteer joined me and we sat and listened as our new friend, "Alfred" shared his heart. He told us how he had family that climdd to be Christian but when he asked them to buy a suit for him they said that they had children in college and couldn't. He said that if they don't do another thing he askes of them he WILL kill them and see them in hell... I asked him to look me and the eyes and tell me if he really wants to murder them... He avoided doing that by looking me in the the eyes and telling me that asking a man to repeat himself is disrespecting him.... As I shared with him that my intention was not out of disrespect but out of seeing that he asked to open up to us and share him pain, I began to cry and his heart beat slowed and softened. He asked why I was crying. I told him how I knew that God had plans for him and I didn't believe that deep in his heart he wanted to kill his family.

I have seen this furry in the eyes of many and I have felt it in my own flesh. The only way I know to deal with it is holding on to the courage and purposefully reflecting the LOVE that I myself have been graced with. We are called to live in this wold and not of it. This man is not so different than me. My thoughts are not always pure and holy... We spoke of purposely acting in love rather than reacting out of fear and pain.

Pruning and Growth

About seven or eight years ago I began to "see" that I was going through a different season in my life. We just started homeschooling which was different and not like most of my friends. Because of my falsely perceived judgements of "strangeness", I harbored great resentment, anger and frustration. All of these caused a great sadness in my relationships. My little world was just that, constricting, limited and stuck! During this process I was praying and I only seemed to grow more bitter and frustrated.

I was only set free when my heart was so burdened to seek forgiveness in private as well as public for my pride and unforgiveness. Since this time, over and over again the grace of The One that created me is what heals my soul, not someone approving of my choices, what I think, say or do, ONLY what the LOVE of my life says about me... Do I struggle? ABSOLUTELY!!! This is where I have the freedom to choose to sin (miss the mark) and put distance and darkness between myself and "others"--(LOST reference) or choose life and hope.

Without the many painful, dreary, lifeless winters in my own life, how could I possibly know the goodness of a refreshing rain, a flower poking up from the dirt or the simplicity of a child's smile??? Isn't this where we all are, just in different seasons?

Embracing the "good" and the "bad"...

Today, my daughter and I were outside and after only a few short minutes she saw a very small butterfly fluttering about. Just then she looked down and witnessed another, just as lovely butterfly lying on the ground, still, dead. An ugly beetle enjoyed what seemed to be a "tasty treat". Her disgust with this "rude" behavior was interesting to me. She loved the butterfly but disliked the beetle. Wasn't he only doing what he was created to do?

I reminded her that that the beetle was created for a purpose just as the butterfly and though I do love butterflies they both have their own niche in this big world. With much disdain my sweet girl walked away.

This theme remains in my own life. Can I choose to embrace painful circumstances and maybe even "rude" people in my life? Yes!! I do have a choice! It's my calling... "Love your neighbor as your self." Aren't people in almost all of our circumstances. What is the Spirit of my Lord wanting to do through us in those tough spots?

There is power in getting past my flesh of self and knowing my "self" or inner man, where the Holy Spirit resides in my being. Oh, what joy if we were all "perfect" and never human...but wait, it seems to me that's exactly where this shift to the Kingdom of God converge! I love this amazing opportunity for transformation in our lifes!!!

This day has reaffirmed in so many ways what I know to be true. I can resist what is... or...I can seek and knock and the Kingdom will be revealed... What will you embrace today?