Pruning and Growth

About seven or eight years ago I began to "see" that I was going through a different season in my life. We just started homeschooling which was different and not like most of my friends. Because of my falsely perceived judgements of "strangeness", I harbored great resentment, anger and frustration. All of these caused a great sadness in my relationships. My little world was just that, constricting, limited and stuck! During this process I was praying and I only seemed to grow more bitter and frustrated.

I was only set free when my heart was so burdened to seek forgiveness in private as well as public for my pride and unforgiveness. Since this time, over and over again the grace of The One that created me is what heals my soul, not someone approving of my choices, what I think, say or do, ONLY what the LOVE of my life says about me... Do I struggle? ABSOLUTELY!!! This is where I have the freedom to choose to sin (miss the mark) and put distance and darkness between myself and "others"--(LOST reference) or choose life and hope.

Without the many painful, dreary, lifeless winters in my own life, how could I possibly know the goodness of a refreshing rain, a flower poking up from the dirt or the simplicity of a child's smile??? Isn't this where we all are, just in different seasons?

Embracing the "good" and the "bad"...

Today, my daughter and I were outside and after only a few short minutes she saw a very small butterfly fluttering about. Just then she looked down and witnessed another, just as lovely butterfly lying on the ground, still, dead. An ugly beetle enjoyed what seemed to be a "tasty treat". Her disgust with this "rude" behavior was interesting to me. She loved the butterfly but disliked the beetle. Wasn't he only doing what he was created to do?

I reminded her that that the beetle was created for a purpose just as the butterfly and though I do love butterflies they both have their own niche in this big world. With much disdain my sweet girl walked away.

This theme remains in my own life. Can I choose to embrace painful circumstances and maybe even "rude" people in my life? Yes!! I do have a choice! It's my calling... "Love your neighbor as your self." Aren't people in almost all of our circumstances. What is the Spirit of my Lord wanting to do through us in those tough spots?

There is power in getting past my flesh of self and knowing my "self" or inner man, where the Holy Spirit resides in my being. Oh, what joy if we were all "perfect" and never human...but wait, it seems to me that's exactly where this shift to the Kingdom of God converge! I love this amazing opportunity for transformation in our lifes!!!

This day has reaffirmed in so many ways what I know to be true. I can resist what is... or...I can seek and knock and the Kingdom will be revealed... What will you embrace today?

Tis a Gift to be Simple

Hudson's hand and a Gulf Fritillary caterpillar on the other side of the window.

Today, I was already thinking about butterflies and sharing on my blog a few of my own stories that include these flying flowers. Just a little while after having these thoughts, Hudson, Maddie Grace, Bobby and Jenn popped in just to say, "Hi!" while they were out for a walk! :-)

Do you ever think of something and a attach a certain meaning to it? I do, sometimes these change and other times they remain pretty contestant. Pretty much ever sense I moved to Ft. Worth, I've loved butterflies and what they represent. It makes my heart swell to think of seeing my own Paw Paw in his last days be so encouraged to sit on his front porch and gaze upon these little travelers on their way to Mexico. He died of Cancer in October of 2001.

I would sit with him, not saying a word, just watching the change in his eyes. He was often too weak to speak and most times when I would ask him a question, he looked so puzzled that it broke my heart. The one thing that brought him joy was watching the Monarchs. We enjoyed this together.

His wife, my Me Maw had had a Doctor's appointment several weeks ago. While I was waiting for her in the office a kind looking grey haired grandmother came in with her two granddaughters. I of course was knitting (Jen's socks) and the oldest of the two was fascinated and stayed out in the waiting room with me so that we could talk while watched my hands and finished up her homework.

Before the grandmother went in to see the Dr. she poured out the sad story of how these precious girls were sexually abused by their father and one year ago mom just left them at her door with only the clothes on their back.

While knitting, I spoke to the girl and asked if she enjoyed making anything with her hands. She said, with a brilliant smile on her face, "I make butterflies!" As soon as she finished her homework she pulled out her little craft box and went straight to work. She created this beautiful piece of art. When she packed up to leave she handed to me and said, "This is for you...") Well if you know me at all you also can guess...that this made me cry.


This little girl had no idea how our lives paralleled and neither would anyone sitting there that day, but I knew. I knew that weeks before I had made a butterfly almost exactly like this one when we were asked in the youth group to create something that expressed how we connected to God and others... For me that is learning from my own life's sadness, grow and change into something beautiful as I give to others out of my own need for love, acceptance, forgiveness, healing. That day I prayed that this little girl will always have someone encouraging her to be the woman God has planned for her to be, enjoy life's simple glories. Grow and change WITH life's circumstances and always listen to the HOLY SPIRIT!


I have more stories but I wan to save them for another time! What do you think of when you see butterflies?

Finding Hope

2005


A lady that found hope,peace,joy,security and stillness in the "mess" of her imperfect life!






1988

A lost girl...looking for hope.

She thought when she was pretty,skinny,wealthy,smart,had cooler clothes, accepted by every person... in the ENTIRE world and a man to love her, then after her life was "perfect" then she would find hope...

Recently, someone said to me that I had such such a story...I really understood and appreciated what she was saying and at the same time, I passionately said, "Don't we all!" That right there is exactly why I LOVE to connect to folks of all walks of life. It's in their "stories" that I really get to explore, understand,process,and love another person. Oftentimes, if I'm really opening up within my own heart, I feel what they feel and I get a deeper sense of who they are and where they've been in life.

All of this brings me to a place of acceptance and peace in a world that tries to tell me that I'm not "normal" or that everyone around me has got it "altogether". The only time in my life where I "rested" in thinking that I HAD arrived proved to be one of the hardest, self loathing,prideful times ever. If you had a belief about something I could find a way to show you, (in scripture) why you were wrong and then feel so "sorry" that I had "matured" and you...hadn't! I'm confessing all this because I want to share the joy of freedom from perfectionism! There is NO hope in being "perfect" because it's all a flesh made illusion that only causes pain and destruction in it's wake.

In the Eyes of a Child

Memories of my young childhood are for the most part quite pleasent. It wasn't until I was about ten or so when inocience seemed to be slipping away into a place that I could never return. It would be many years until I would know something so very different.

All of my life I've lived in Texas. All of it except for six beautiful charm filled months when I lived in Portland, Oregon. Those memories of rainy days and autumn foliage cast such a light of hope within me. My parents seemed to be especially content with each other and this gave me so much joy. It was there in Oregon, where I came to LOVE trees, picking my own food, making blueberry muffins in the kitchen with mom and just sitting and watching the rain fall. There was a yarn shop behind our apartments and I remember looking though that window being transfixed by their creations. Who would of thought that I would still be enjoying yarn thirty-one years later?

My father was in construction at the time and we moved up there because there was a good job for he and a friend of his. So my mom,dad, myself and this other family moved at the same time.

It was in the fall of 1976 and I was going to school for the very first time. I loved my teacher, my school and my striped cat, Patches. I remember that I taught her to roll over when I rolled over. It was a miracle in the eyes of this six year old!

When I reflect on that very special time in my life, I've sometimes wondered why I remember it with such color and vibrant emotions. It's almost as though I can smell the rain and feel the soft orange scratch n' sniff sweatshirt I loved so much. It was a time of great abundance in my heart. The beauty was all around me and all I had to do was have eyes to see and receive every good gift God had given so freely.

Now that I'm thirty-seven and have a past filled with shame, insecurity, loss and hopelessness, I compare in earthy terms what wonderful healing waters from The Holy Spirit have meant to me when dark voices would try to convince me that it is my flesh that matters rather than all of the goodness that is REALLY real in this world. With God's abundant grace I will never again choose to live in my pain, instead I want grow and flourish in HIS light and enjoy all that He's created for His glory!

Meaning or Morbid

Days such this remind me of what means the most in my heart. Ever since I was a child thunderstorms would evoke a warmth and content feeling in my spirit.

As the years have passed, I've pondered why it is that I love them so much. One conclusion I've come to is the great excitement this "dangerous" weather sometimes brings to my area of Texas. When I was a child it would also bring a time that my family would all come together with one united focus, keeping each other safe!

Now many years later, I've come to appreciate this warmth on a much larger scale, bigger than just stormy days in Texas with my little family.

What are "issues" in the face of our Creator?

Today, I had the great pleasure of spending a little time with a mother and son from our community. The son was sharing with me that he's been told many times that he has "issues". I quickly asked the question, "Who doesn't?"


This man may seem somewhat "odd" to the "normal" citizen in our world but what is a person with "issues" like? Is it one that has had sexual abuse in their childhood, drug abuse, a violent temper, perfectionist behavior, a junior high drop out, a gossip? Shall I go on? My point is one that brings me a great deal of comfort and joy. We've all got issues!!!


What we do with all of those issues seems to be the question that takes us to the ONLY one who can heal our crazy past. This is where we then get to put all of that love into action. We can then so clearly see the hurt in those around us because we have felt their pain and know just what to say or pray for. Not so that sin may abound but that we would be given the grace to love because we KNOW our own issues and how we have been able to release them.


The Holy Spirit and I have gone through my "issues" over and over again. Some more than others. The most delightful joy is having a "break through" with my "therapist"! HE is so gentle as not to force anything beyond my readiness. And at the same time provides everything I need for the path ahead of me, when I'm ready to make a change that leads to a more abundant freedom giving life!

I wish so badly that I could just pour out God's heart to this man and so many others who feel that they've got "issues"!!! My prayer is that this man will draw near to his FATHER with all the faith that is apportioned to him and feel the bliss of peace.

What I saw today was a man who loves his mother and does what he can to take care of her. He's thirty-eight and yes, if I looked with my eyes of flesh rather than spirit I would see someone I could easily dismiss as "strange" or of little value in our society. I'm sure the sweet lady that gave birth to this young man would strongly disagree. His creator probably would too!