A Jumbled up mess... yes, that's me!

When a woman finds out her husband is seeing a woman at his office, her child commits suicide, when she recognizes her relationship with food is more than filling  the hunger in her stomach, when she risks being vulnerable in a group and another sister remarks in front of everyone that she chose not to invite a friend because she knew that it might make her friend more sad to hear her speak.

The feelings that I have about these experiences, help me to have compassion for others.  It hurts my heart to think that I have caused pain to others.  Though I do my best not to hurt those around me, I have come to realize that it will happen anyway.  I may say something innocently and someone else is hurt by it.  For example I have limits and I can not please everyone around me.  There are times I can and will drop everything to minister to someone and then there will be times that I can't.  They may be really hurting and I can not be there for them.

This is when on my weaker days I can really get beat on on...and I do it to myself!  "Well you know they are going to think you are a big phony!"  "You say you love others and serve them but look, I needed help and you were not there for me. " The guilt and shame is gut wrenching.  I have learned that this is false guilt but no matter it is a yucky feeling and can make me sick if I allow myself to stay here.

I have come to learn and accept that this too shall pass!  It feels like it never will.  It feels like I should do what ever I can do avoid any risk, in relationships with other woman, shut the door of my heart and stop caring.  I will not do this!  Courage that comes from Christ alone will keep me on this path.  Not righteousness that comes from me but from the ONE that created me!

I am grateful that He will never leave or forsake me!  I am grateful that "unanswered prayer" is a HOLY thing.  My treasure is real and I will glorify my  Father in heaven even if the thing I prayed for and still the "healing" didn't come in the way I wanted!  His kingdom come they will be done on earth as it is in heaven!  GLORY! GLORY! GLORY! Healing is real but it isn't always what we pray for and I will praise through the pain and envy as I walk along the side and serve those that get exactly what I prayed for!  He is good ALL the time!  This I know, even if it hurts, there is purpose for His kingdom and I put my trust in this!