Healing Waters

2011-12-09T10:11:00.001-08:00

Suprising *Quirky* Joy* Freedom* Caught* Loss* Tears

The Need to be Walked With not Shamed

2011-11-08T12:28:00.000-08:00

One step, one day, one cofession at a time... Today, I was bold, vulnrable and raw. I shared my heart's cry for brothers and sisters to hold me up in prayer. I shared that I was going through a time of trial and needed thier love, prayers and overall support.

All but one encouraged me with scripture, listened to me and prayed with me. I am so grateful for their tender merciful hearts! When I read scripture, this is what I see! The truth of the good news to me, means that my life is going to be hard at times and I will need others to walk with on this journey.

It has been very clear to me on my path that when I share from my heart, some believe that it is better to remind me that at least I don't have ----- fill in the blank with a very serious life issue. (I suddenly hear "the voice" that tells me to shup up, be quiet, stop drawing attention and put on a fake happy face! It is much better to pretend than be authentic! No one really cares about you unless yours dying so stop it! And if you were dying it would be more holy if you kept that to yourself and suffered a long time before letting anyone know about it!") I really do want to obey scripture and to me that means confessing, praying, reaching out asking for support, having compassion for others and understanding that this is not all about me, if I do "shup up and be a good little girl" truth will never shine light on the darkness of my heart!

Please pray with me as I seek to lay down my will, ie. revenge, unforgiveness, the urge to share another's sin to make myself feel better about the pain that "they caused me!" I choose to live in the grace of Christ that says that "my enemy" is also my brother and I have the opportunity to bless him rather than slander him. I pray that my heart is transformed and produces good fruit from this frustration! In Christ I pray- Amen!

Trusting

2011-08-04T07:49:00.000-07:00

What choice do have in trusting God? A leak in our front bath tub costing five thousand dollars to repair and reconstruct, a plumbing leak in the line in our front yard that costs two thousand dollars, my car creates the aroma of burning rubber and every light on the dashboard comes on... All of this, not to mention many other personal issues...

I really don't believe that I am somehow special. When I talk with other folks in the real world I hear tragic stories of cancer, babies dying,drug addiction,broken marriages,jobs lost,dishonest buisness people and families praying for their children to make wise healthy decisions in life.

The Bible tells be that if God is for me than who can be against me... The way I see this in the very practical/spiritual, living out of day to day is this. The storms around me NEVER end. Don't get me wrong, I do have good days but in my head and my awareness, there is always a burden/storm on the horizon. So far the most healthy thing I have found is my faith in the One that thought of you and me and all of these storms before the creation of this world. My creator changes the way I experience life, the fun happy days yes but especially the ordinary painful, frustrating,heartbreaking days. They have purpose and give me meaning and add to my focus on what IS right and good in this moment! I then have some joy and hope to share with YOU! Blessing...

We Can Judge or We Can Love

2011-08-02T12:34:00.000-07:00

Today at our community lunch, a woman handed me a piece of paper that we take prayers requests on. She shared with me that she very much felt a call to find a church home but hated the thought of being judged. As the conversation grew her warm brown eyes filled with tears. She spoke of anxious thoughts, fear, shame and the need to have acceptance...

I told her about how grateful I am that God did not wait until I got my act together before I was blessed with His full to rim love! She said that it's so hard and I totally understand that. One thing that I have worked on within myself for a number of years is truley understandeing that what "others" think of me is none of my buisness. I'm called to love... Many times my mind will believe the world around me but all the while LOVE/ my Creator is drawing me to grace and complete acceptance of others and myself in view of who we are as Gods' children.

Not one single day goes by when I am not challenged to love unconditionally. Sometimes it's a beautiful thing and other times it can be very ugly. The only reason I can forgive myself for failing is the grace and love that I have been shown.

Please pray with me, that this beautiful soul finds a community where she can really be encouraged to grow and remember who she was created to be!

Tuesday Prayers

2011-04-27T07:24:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I was told that a man was wanting to know if there was anyone he could speak with, he really needed to talk. I had just grabbed my purse and was ready to leave our free outreach lunch that is held every Tuesday in our church. I said, "Yes, but I always seek out another person." Preferably I ask a male if I am to speak with a male.

A male volunteer joined me and we sat and listened as our new friend, "Alfred" shared his heart. He told us how he had family that climdd to be Christian but when he asked them to buy a suit for him they said that they had children in college and couldn't. He said that if they don't do another thing he askes of them he WILL kill them and see them in hell... I asked him to look me and the eyes and tell me if he really wants to murder them... He avoided doing that by looking me in the the eyes and telling me that asking a man to repeat himself is disrespecting him.... As I shared with him that my intention was not out of disrespect but out of seeing that he asked to open up to us and share him pain, I began to cry and his heart beat slowed and softened. He asked why I was crying. I told him how I knew that God had plans for him and I didn't believe that deep in his heart he wanted to kill his family.

I have seen this furry in the eyes of many and I have felt it in my own flesh. The only way I know to deal with it is holding on to the courage and purposefully reflecting the LOVE that I myself have been graced with. We are called to live in this wold and not of it. This man is not so different than me. My thoughts are not always pure and holy... We spoke of purposely acting in love rather than reacting out of fear and pain.

Pruning and Growth

2009-02-27T08:31:00.001-08:00

About seven or eight years ago I began to "see" that I was going through a different season in my life. We just started homeschooling which was different and not like most of my friends. Because of my falsely perceived judgements of "strangeness", I harbored great resentment, anger and frustration. All of these caused a great sadness in my relationships. My little world was just that, constricting, limited and stuck! During this process I was praying and I only seemed to grow more bitter and frustrated.

I was only set free when my heart was so burdened to seek forgiveness in private as well as public for my pride and unforgiveness. Since this time, over and over again the grace of The One that created me is what heals my soul, not someone approving of my choices, what I think, say or do, ONLY what the LOVE of my life says about me... Do I struggle? ABSOLUTELY!!! This is where I have the freedom to choose to sin (miss the mark) and put distance and darkness between myself and "others"--(LOST reference) or choose life and hope.

Without the many painful, dreary, lifeless winters in my own life, how could I possibly know the goodness of a refreshing rain, a flower poking up from the dirt or the simplicity of a child's smile??? Isn't this where we all are, just in different seasons?

Embracing the "good" and the "bad"...

2009-02-03T16:03:00.000-08:00

Today, my daughter and I were outside and after only a few short minutes she saw a very small butterfly fluttering about. Just then she looked down and witnessed another, just as lovely butterfly lying on the ground, still, dead. An ugly beetle enjoyed what seemed to be a "tasty treat". Her disgust with this "rude" behavior was interesting to me. She loved the butterfly but disliked the beetle. Wasn't he only doing what he was created to do?

I reminded her that that the beetle was created for a purpose just as the butterfly and though I do love butterflies they both have their own niche in this big world. With much disdain my sweet girl walked away.

This theme remains in my own life. Can I choose to embrace painful circumstances and maybe even "rude" people in my life? Yes!! I do have a choice! It's my calling... "Love your neighbor as your self." Aren't people in almost all of our circumstances. What is the Spirit of my Lord wanting to do through us in those tough spots?

There is power in getting past my flesh of self and knowing my "self" or inner man, where the Holy Spirit resides in my being. Oh, what joy if we were all "perfect" and never human...but wait, it seems to me that's exactly where this shift to the Kingdom of God converge! I love this amazing opportunity for transformation in our lifes!!!

This day has reaffirmed in so many ways what I know to be true. I can resist what is... or...I can seek and knock and the Kingdom will be revealed... What will you embrace today?

Tis a Gift to be Simple

2008-10-13T10:49:00.000-07:00

Hudson's hand and a Gulf Fritillary caterpillar on the other side of the window.

Today, I was already thinking about butterflies and sharing on my blog a few of my own stories that include these flying flowers. Just a little while after having these thoughts, Hudson, Maddie Grace, Bobby and Jenn popped in just to say, "Hi!" while they were out for a walk! :-)

Do you ever think of something and a attach a certain meaning to it? I do, sometimes these change and other times they remain pretty contestant. Pretty much ever sense I moved to Ft. Worth, I've loved butterflies and what they represent. It makes my heart swell to think of seeing my own Paw Paw in his last days be so encouraged to sit on his front porch and gaze upon these little travelers on their way to Mexico. He died of Cancer in October of 2001.

I would sit with him, not saying a word, just watching the change in his eyes. He was often too weak to speak and most times when I would ask him a question, he looked so puzzled that it broke my heart. The one thing that brought him joy was watching the Monarchs. We enjoyed this together.

His wife, my Me Maw had had a Doctor's appointment several weeks ago. While I was waiting for her in the office a kind looking grey haired grandmother came in with her two granddaughters. I of course was knitting (Jen's socks) and the oldest of the two was fascinated and stayed out in the waiting room with me so that we could talk while watched my hands and finished up her homework.

Before the grandmother went in to see the Dr. she poured out the sad story of how these precious girls were sexually abused by their father and one year ago mom just left them at her door with only the clothes on their back.

While knitting, I spoke to the girl and asked if she enjoyed making anything with her hands. She said, with a brilliant smile on her face, "I make butterflies!" As soon as she finished her homework she pulled out her little craft box and went straight to work. She created this beautiful piece of art. When she packed up to leave she handed to me and said, "This is for you...") Well if you know me at all you also can guess...that this made me cry.

This little girl had no idea how our lives paralleled and neither would anyone sitting there that day, but I knew. I knew that weeks before I had made a butterfly almost exactly like this one when we were asked in the youth group to create something that expressed how we connected to God and others... For me that is learning from my own life's sadness, grow and change into something beautiful as I give to others out of my own need for love, acceptance, forgiveness, healing. That day I prayed that this little girl will always have someone encouraging her to be the woman God has planned for her to be, enjoy life's simple glories. Grow and change WITH life's circumstances and always listen to the HOLY SPIRIT!

I have more stories but I wan to save them for another time! What do you think of when you see butterflies?

Finding Hope

2008-09-05T08:21:00.000-07:00

2005

A lady that found hope,peace,joy,security and stillness in the "mess" of her imperfect life!

1988

A lost girl...looking for hope.

She thought when she was pretty,skinny,wealthy,smart,had cooler clothes, accepted by every person... in the ENTIRE world and a man to love her, then after her life was "perfect" then she would find hope...

Recently, someone said to me that I had such such a story...I really understood and appreciated what she was saying and at the same time, I passionately said, "Don't we all!" That right there is exactly why I LOVE to connect to folks of all walks of life. It's in their "stories" that I really get to explore, understand,process,and love another person. Oftentimes, if I'm really opening up within my own heart, I feel what they feel and I get a deeper sense of who they are and where they've been in life.

All of this brings me to a place of acceptance and peace in a world that tries to tell me that I'm not "normal" or that everyone around me has got it "altogether". The only time in my life where I "rested" in thinking that I HAD arrived proved to be one of the hardest, self loathing,prideful times ever. If you had a belief about something I could find a way to show you, (in scripture) why you were wrong and then feel so "sorry" that I had "matured" and you...hadn't! I'm confessing all this because I want to share the joy of freedom from perfectionism! There is NO hope in being "perfect" because it's all a flesh made illusion that only causes pain and destruction in it's wake.

In the Eyes of a Child

2008-08-23T04:03:00.000-07:00

Memories of my young childhood are for the most part quite pleasent. It wasn't until I was about ten or so when inocience seemed to be slipping away into a place that I could never return. It would be many years until I would know something so very different.

All of my life I've lived in Texas. All of it except for six beautiful charm filled months when I lived in Portland, Oregon. Those memories of rainy days and autumn foliage cast such a light of hope within me. My parents seemed to be especially content with each other and this gave me so much joy. It was there in Oregon, where I came to LOVE trees, picking my own food, making blueberry muffins in the kitchen with mom and just sitting and watching the rain fall. There was a yarn shop behind our apartments and I remember looking though that window being transfixed by their creations. Who would of thought that I would still be enjoying yarn thirty-one years later?

My father was in construction at the time and we moved up there because there was a good job for he and a friend of his. So my mom,dad, myself and this other family moved at the same time.

It was in the fall of 1976 and I was going to school for the very first time. I loved my teacher, my school and my striped cat, Patches. I remember that I taught her to roll over when I rolled over. It was a miracle in the eyes of this six year old!

When I reflect on that very special time in my life, I've sometimes wondered why I remember it with such color and vibrant emotions. It's almost as though I can smell the rain and feel the soft orange scratch n' sniff sweatshirt I loved so much. It was a time of great abundance in my heart. The beauty was all around me and all I had to do was have eyes to see and receive every good gift God had given so freely.

Now that I'm thirty-seven and have a past filled with shame, insecurity, loss and hopelessness, I compare in earthy terms what wonderful healing waters from The Holy Spirit have meant to me when dark voices would try to convince me that it is my flesh that matters rather than all of the goodness that is REALLY real in this world. With God's abundant grace I will never again choose to live in my pain, instead I want grow and flourish in HIS light and enjoy all that He's created for His glory!

Meaning or Morbid

2008-08-15T06:05:00.000-07:00

Days such this remind me of what means the most in my heart. Ever since I was a child thunderstorms would evoke a warmth and content feeling in my spirit.

As the years have passed, I've pondered why it is that I love them so much. One conclusion I've come to is the great excitement this "dangerous" weather sometimes brings to my area of Texas. When I was a child it would also bring a time that my family would all come together with one united focus, keeping each other safe!

Now many years later, I've come to appreciate this warmth on a much larger scale, bigger than just stormy days in Texas with my little family.

What are "issues" in the face of our Creator?

2008-08-12T15:36:00.000-07:00

Today, I had the great pleasure of spending a little time with a mother and son from our community. The son was sharing with me that he's been told many times that he has "issues". I quickly asked the question, "Who doesn't?"

This man may seem somewhat "odd" to the "normal" citizen in our world but what is a person with "issues" like? Is it one that has had sexual abuse in their childhood, drug abuse, a violent temper, perfectionist behavior, a junior high drop out, a gossip? Shall I go on? My point is one that brings me a great deal of comfort and joy. We've all got issues!!!

What we do with all of those issues seems to be the question that takes us to the ONLY one who can heal our crazy past. This is where we then get to put all of that love into action. We can then so clearly see the hurt in those around us because we have felt their pain and know just what to say or pray for. Not so that sin may abound but that we would be given the grace to love because we KNOW our own issues and how we have been able to release them.

The Holy Spirit and I have gone through my "issues" over and over again. Some more than others. The most delightful joy is having a "break through" with my "therapist"! HE is so gentle as not to force anything beyond my readiness. And at the same time provides everything I need for the path ahead of me, when I'm ready to make a change that leads to a more abundant freedom giving life!

I wish so badly that I could just pour out God's heart to this man and so many others who feel that they've got "issues"!!! My prayer is that this man will draw near to his FATHER with all the faith that is apportioned to him and feel the bliss of peace.

What I saw today was a man who loves his mother and does what he can to take care of her. He's thirty-eight and yes, if I looked with my eyes of flesh rather than spirit I would see someone I could easily dismiss as "strange" or of little value in our society. I'm sure the sweet lady that gave birth to this young man would strongly disagree. His creator probably would too!

Reading about the "dangers" of The Shack

2008-08-09T09:27:00.000-07:00

The beautiful part about living this life is the journey each human takes. There was a time not to long ago in my life that I could easily judge the hearts, thoughts and intentions of every person I came in contact with. I used "discernment" as my tool of destruction rather than a powerful tool of love in action. What I judged on the outside was truly my own judgement toward myself. Just as LOVE allowed me to make decision that would later keep me from having more children He would later use that mess up to soften my heart in my relationships. I chose it all!

Please understand my heart. I believe with all of my being that the Bible is THE WORD. What I have come to know by my own experience and actions all to well is that when I am walking in the flesh the Bible becomes my stone of destruction rather than my instrument of grace and submission to others. I've seen it within myself too many times!

For those who have walked this path of my own latest "great sadness" you unfortunately were eyewitnesses of what the "desert" can look like in the flesh. If your still with me and you see me walking this path daily, I pray that you so clearly see the stream of healing waters that have invigorated my soul to such depths that words can NOT speak of!!!! (My tears do though!!!)

All this I know and have faith in, and when someone writes against a story that puts into words my life's journey with our CREATOR all I can do is smile!!! I used to want to get ANGRY!!! If all I wanted to do was "feel good" I would NOT enjoy this book! I would try to avoid any and all self reflection that might lead me to what is loving and true... I love my daughter so I allow her to mess everything up-sometimes and other times I get in the way of danger. Each circumstance is different but my love is always the same. She can put me in a box or not and either way I love her!!!! She has a choice!!!!!!! ;-) Peace!

All I Need is LOVE- (You know who that is, don't you?)

2008-08-08T05:09:00.000-07:00

Note the butterfly right in the middle of the dead of winter! This really spoke to my heart.
As my journey in life twists and turns, the constant question that returns to me is this. Where are you now? What I mean by that is this, when I would desire to have something, be someone, do something in the future, in the end it always brought me back to nothingness. I came into the world with nothing and that is the way of my departure. I know that none of this is new but something about the past few years has been changing in my reasons for doing these things and by that I do feel as though I'm storing up treasure in heaven.

An example of this would be the day I found out a dear friend was expecting. She and I had both gone through years of an unmet desire in this area. That morning before she came to my home,in my conversations with LOVE, I poured out my frustrations and ache inside. And what I kept feeling as true, was that I had the chance to be free of this ache. (If I wanted to.) Because what it all came down to was a feeling that LOVE loved others and not me because every where I turned ladies were becoming pregnant, even if they didn't want to be. I knew that He had the power to make it different and He didn't. How unfair I thought!!! I soon figured out something I hadn't seen before. Some where deep inside I wanted to hold on to the story that made me who I was...or did it? Who am I ? Who would I be if I let go of this "great sadness" ?

There would of been a time when I would have said of someone else going through a "drama" to "Get over it! "Life ain't fair!" And that was part of the problem. I was applying this to myself as well. This was not the way of LOVE and it only caused more ache for myself and others.

The beauty for you and I on either side of this coin of life and living is that we get to choose LOVE and all of the abundant life that comes with it. It doesn't mean that our circumstances will change. It does mean that we will forever be changed and "see" what is true, when we find that we don't have to be critical of our own pain or others "dramas". We can actually be a blessing by just allowing them to go through the process, loving and lifting them up in hopes that they find the truth before the cause themselves and others more pain. Again my intention has changed and it didn't happen to me. I was invited by LOVE to be LOVED. We are all given this wonderful grace!!!

It all goes so deep, but the gift is that I've truly have been shown more grace, love, mercy and joy since I accepted LOVE's love in my life, as it is, not the way I wish it to be but in the HERE & NOW. This is where LOVE is. It's all I've been promised!

2008-08-07T11:35:00.000-07:00

The Path Before Me and The Waters That Heal Along THE WAY

Welcome again to another blog by A Hopeful Hollar. I can say with all purity of heart that I have wanted to avoid "putting myself out there" off and on for years. The complete and utter fear of being misunderstood has shackled me at times. And though I'm aware of the drama quality this next sentence will posses it it true. The need to share my life story compels me to start this blog.

There is a hope in my heart that prompts me to tell of the wonder that I believe is living as a seed in the heart of every human. Many times I have wrestled with thoughts such as," What makes you so special? Aren't you just being some kind off show off?" Your spelling and writing skills stink!" As time goes by, I'm better able to know those voices. I do enjoy self examination and maybe at times it could be true but even if it were and I truly thought that this was all about me, I'm painfully aware of the temporal security in that sort of human thinking.

The treasure that every seeker hopes to discover is one that completely over shadows all concepts of all they had known at one time. This is where you find me today...seeking, finding...and sharing.

I haven't a clue how often I'll write but I do promise that when fear strikes, I won't hit DELETE. I would very much enjoy reading your stories and words of hope and encouragement, so please feel free to comment or e-mail me!!!! ;-